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EARTHQUAKE CITY BBS
OTHER HUMOR

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 | Earthquake City BBS            BULLETIN # 57           Sysop: Steven Libis |
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 Bulletin # 57                     Other Humor                Updated: 06/13/97
 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 from the usual sources over the Internet (Marty) 5/22/97

 Subject: Wisdom From the Walls
 
 From a book called, "Wisdom From The Walls," by Kristen Kammerer and
 Bridget Snyder.  They compiled some really great graffiti, and here
 it is:


 If you can piss this high, join the fire department.
    -On the wall in the men's restroom at a height of 6 feet.  O'Ryan's Irish
    Pub.  Ashland, Oregon.

 Beauty is only a light switch away.
    -Perkins Library.  Duke University.  Durham, North Carolina.

 I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards.
    -Houghton Library, Harvard University.  Cambridge, Massachusetts.

 If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all
 get wasted together and have the time of our lives.
    -Armand's Pizza.  Washington, D.C.

 If Bush were captain of the Titanic, he'd say we were stopping for ice.
    -Smoky Joe's.  Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.

 Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?"
     -Rest stop off Route 81.  West Virginia.

 God made pot.  Man made beer.  Who do you trust?
     -The Irish Times.  Washington, D.C.

 Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
     -The Bayou, Baton Rouge, Louisiana.

 No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of
 putting up with her shit.
     -Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill.  Chapel Hill,  North Carolina.

 To do is to be.       -Descartes
 To be is to do.       -Voltaire
 Do be do be do.       -Frank Sinatra
     -Men's restroom, Greasewood Flats.  Scottsdale,  Arizona.

 At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
     -Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson,  Arizona.

 It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
     -Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.

 Make love, not war.  --Hell, do both, get married!
     -Women's restroom, The Filling Station.  Bozeman, Montana.

 God is dead..       -Nietzsche
 Nietzsche is dead.  -God
     -The Tombs Restaurant.  Washington, D.C.

 If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
     -Revolution Books.  New York, New York.

 A Woman's Rule of Thumb:  If it has tires or testicles, you're going to
 have trouble with it.
     -Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort.  Dallas, Texas.

 JESUS SAVES!
 But wouldn't it be better if he had invested?
     -Men's restroom, American University.  Washington, D.C.
 [This is like the one I saw in LA a while back:
 Jesus Saves: Gretsky gets the rebound and scores!!!]

 If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?
 Congress!
     -Men's restroom, House of Representatives.  Washington, D.C.

 What are you looking up on the wall for?  The joke is in your hands.
     -Men's restroom, Lynagh's.  Lexington, Kentucky.



 from the usual sources over the Internet (Marty) 5/20/97

 Subject: THOUGHT YOU GUYS MIGHT BE SICK ENOUGH TO ENJOY THESE!
 
 Two men who were best friends were camping for a week in the wilderness.
 They had done everything together for the last few days and decided it
 would be best if they had their own adventures for one day.  The next
 morning one went south and the other went north and both would meet back
 at the campsite later that night and tell of their adventures.

 As night approached, the two men met at the campsite and began to tell
 each other their about their day of adventure.  The man who went south
 began...

 "I hiked for about three or four miles and found this beautiful spot near
 a river.  Looking into the river, I saw it was just swarming with fish.
 The spot had a great tree to rest under by the river and was an excellent
 spot to fish from.  As quickly as I cast my line into the river, I had a
 fish on the line.  After fishing for a couple of hours, I leaned back
 against the tree and was beginning to enjoy the little piece of heaven
 I had found when two deer came out of the woods behind me and walked
 right up to me.  I fed them grass right out of my hands.  At the same
 time a slight breeze began to low and the quiet sound of the trees
 blowing in the wind quickly made me tired.  So I fell asleep under the
 tree and had the most beautiful dreams I had ever had.  When I awoke, I
 saw it was late so I grabbed all of my stuff and headed back to camp and
 I saw you again.  So, how was your adventure?"

 The man who headed north relied, " I too had a great adventure...I hiked
 about five miles north and came across some railroad tracks.  I decided to
 follow them for a bit and as luck would have it, I came across this woman
 who was tied to the tracks.  I quickly ran over to her and untied her.  We
 then proceeded to have the most incredible sex I had ever had.  We had sex
 every which way possible and we had it for several hours straight.  Then it
 was getting late so I left her and came back to camp where I found you."

 The other man was awestruck..."You two had sex every way and for hours!!!
 Wow...did she give you a blow job too?"

 "Well, no...I couldn't find her head!"



 from the usual sources over the Internet (Marty) 5/13/97

 Subject: How to kill an eel....
 
 Little Johnny was 12 years old and like other boys his age rather curious.
 He had been hearing quite a bit about 'courting' from the older boys, and
 he wondered what it was and how it was done.  One day he took his question
 to his mother, who became rather flustered.  Instead of explaining things
 to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch
 his older sister and her boyfriend.  This he did.  The following morning,
 Johnny described everything to his mother.  'Sis and her boyfriend sat and
 talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights.  Then he started
 kissing and hugging her.  I figured Sis must be getting sick, because her
 face started looking funny.  He must have thought so too, because he put
 his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just the way the doctor would.
 Except he's not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble
 finding her heart.  'I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon
 both of them started panting and gettin all out of breath.  His other hand
 must of been cold because he put it under her skirt.  About this time Sis
 got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down
 toward the end of the couch.  This was when her fever started.  I knew it
 was a fever, because Sis told him she felt really hot.  'Finally, I found
 out what was making them so sick-- a big eel had gotten inside his pants
 somehow.  It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches
 long, honest anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away.
 'When Sis saw it, she got really scared -- her eyes got big, and her mouth
 fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that.  She
 said it was the biggest one she's ever seen; I should tell her about the
 ones down at the lake.  'Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel
 by biting its head off.  All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands
 and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it
 over the eel's head to keep it from biting again.  'Sis lay back and spread
 her legs so she could get a scissor -- lock on it and he helped by lying on
 top of the eel.  'The eel put up a hell of a fight.  Sis started groaning
 and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch.  I guess they wanted
 to kill the eel by squashing it between them.  'After a while they both quit
 moving and gave a great sigh.  Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they
 killed the eel.  I knew because it just hung there, limp, and some of its
 insides were hanging out.  'Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from
 the battle, but they went back to courting anyway.  He started hugging and
 kissing her again.  By golly, the eel wasn't dead!  It jumped straight up
 and started to fight again.  I guess eels are like cats -- they have nine
 lives or something.  'This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by
 sitting on it.  After a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel.
 I knew it was dead, because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and
 flush it down the toilet.'..............................................



 from the usual sources over the Internet (Marty) 5/13/97

               The 5 toughest questions women ask - and their answers

 The five questions are:

   1. "What are you thinking?"
   2. "Do you love me?"
   3. "Do I look fat?"
   4. "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
   5. "What would you do if I died?"

 What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to
 explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer
 properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example:

 1 - "What are you thinking?" The proper answer to this question, of
 course, is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on
 what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman
 you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you." Obviously, this
 statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really
 thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:

    * Baseball
    * Football
    * How fat you are.
    * How much prettier she is than you.
    * How he would spend the insurance money if you died.

 According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question
 came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife,
 Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of
 thinking."

 The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:

 2 - "Do you love me?" The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For
 those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes,
 dear. Wrong answers include:

    * I suppose so.
    * Would it make you feel better if I said yes.
    * That depends on what you mean by "love".
    * Does it matter?
    * Who, me?

 3 - "Do I look fat?" The correct male response to this question is to
 confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly
 leave the room. Wrong answers include:

    * I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
    * Compared to what?
    * A little extra weight looks good on you.
    * I've seen fatter.
    * Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance
 policy.

 4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me?" The "she" in the question could
 be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring at so hard that you
 almost cause a traffic accident, or an actress in a movie you just saw. In
 any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier." Wrong
 answers include:

    * Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
    * I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
    * Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
    * Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
    * Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.

 5 - "What would you do if I died?" Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the
 event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and
 I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's
 Pizza truck that came my way." This might be the stupidest question of the
 lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke:

    "Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?"
    "Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband.
    "Why do you ask such a question?"
    "Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.
    "No, of couse not, dear" said the husband.
    "Don't you like being married?" said the wife.
    "Of course I do, dear" he said.
    "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
    "All right," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
    "You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
    "Yes" said the husband.
    "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause.
    "Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.
    "I see," said the wife indignantly."And would you let her wear my old
     clothes?"
    "I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.
    "Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures
     of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
    "Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."
    "Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd
     let her play with my golf clubs, too."
    "Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She is left-handed."



 from the usual sources over the Internet (Marty) 5/12/97

 One Sunday morning William burst into the living room and said, "Dad!
 Mom!  I have some great news for you!  I am getting married to the most
 beautiful girl in town.  She lives a block away and her name is Susan."
 After dinner, William's dad took him aside.  "Son, I have to talk with you.
 Your mother and I have been married 30 years.  She's a wonderful wife, but
 she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool
 around with women a lot.  Susan is actually your half-sister, and I'm
 afraid you can't marry her."

 William was heart-broken.  After eight months he eventually started
 dating  girls again.  A year later he came home and very proudly announced,
 "Dianne said yes!  We're getting married in June."

 Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the
 sad news.  "Dianne is your half-sister too, William.  I'm awfully sorry
 about this."

 William was furious!  He finally decided to go to his mother with the
 news.

 "Dad has done so much harm.  I guess I'm never going to get married," he
 complained.  "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my
 half-sister."

 His mother just shook her head.  "Don't pay any attention to what he
 says, dear.  He's not really your father."



 from the usual sources over the Internet (Marty) 5/12/97

 A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the
 clouds.  As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud,
 upon which was sat a rather plump and very ugly woman.

 "Screw me, or climb the ladder to success," she said.  "No contest,"
 thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud.  On this cloud
 was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly  easier on the eye.

 "Do me hard, or climb the ladder to success," she said.  "Well," thought
 the man, "might as well carry on."

 On the next cloud was a lady who was quite attractive.  "Screw me now, or
 climb the ladder to success," she uttered.  As he turned her down and went
 on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better
 the further he went.

 On the next cloud was an absolute beauty.  Slim, attractive, the works.
 "Screw me....or climb the ladder to success," she flirted.  Unable to
 imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb
 again.

 When he reached the next cloud, there was an ugly 400 lb. man, armpit
 hair showing, flies buzzing around his head.
 "Who are you?" the man asked.
 "Hello," said the ugly fat man, "my name's Cess!"



 from the usual sources over the Internet (Marty) 5/12/97

 Subject: Bar Joke.
 
 A guy goes into a bar and orders a beer.  Bartender gives him a beer and
 a bowl of nuts.  The guy starts drinking his beer and munches on a few
 nuts when suddenly he hears a soft voice, "Hey that's a nice tie".

 The guy looks around and sees no one except the bartender at the other end
 of the bar.  The guy takes another sip of his beer and munches a few more
 nuts when again he hears the soft voice, "Man you are looking good, have
 you lost weight?".

 The guy looks around, dazed and confused, and only sees the bartender
 down at the other end of the bar.  He has another sip of his beer, a few
 more nuts, and the same thing happens again, the soft voice, "Wow, where
 do you buy your clothes? I simply love your jacket".

 The guy calls the bartender down.  "Do you hear voices?" the guy asks
 nervously.  "Voices Sir?" the bartender asks thinking he's got a nutter
 sitting at the bar.

 "Yah watch this" says the guy.  He sips his beer and munches a handful
 of nuts.  Sure enough there's the soft voice.  "Man are you smart or what."

 "Oh, that", says the bartender, "its the nuts."

 "The nuts?", asks the guy.

 "Yes" says the bartender, "they're complimentary."



 from the usual sources over the Internet (Marty) 5/08/97

 Subject: Quick joke for today.

 A priest and a rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train.
 After a while, the priest put down his book and opened a conversation by
 saying, "I know that, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat
 pork... but have you really never even tasted it?"  The rabbi closed
 his newspaper and responded, "I must tell you the truth.  Yes I have,
 on the odd occasion." The rabbi had his turn of interrogation.  He
 asked, "I know that in your religion, you're supposed to be
 celibate... but..." The priest interjected, "Yes, I know what you are
 going to ask, and yes, I have succumbed to temptation once or twice."

 The two resumed their reading.  There was silence for a while. Then
 the rabbi peeked around his newspaper and said, "Better than pork,
 isn't it?!"



 from the usual sources over the Internet (Marty) 5/08/97

 The Gravy Ladle

 An elderly priest invited a young priest over for dinner.  During the meal,
 the young priest couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the
 housekeeper was.

 Over the course of the evening he started to wonder if there was more
 between the elderly priest and the housekeeper than met the eye.

 Reading the young priest's thoughts, the elderly priest volunteered, "I
 know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my
 housekeeper is purely professional."

 About a week later the housekeeper came to the elderly priest and said,
 "Father, ever since the young Father came to dinner, I've been unable to
 find the beautiful silver gravy ladle.  You don't suppose he took it do
 you?"

 The priest said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write him a letter just to be
 sure."

 So he sat down and wrote:  "Dear Father, I'm not saying that you 'did' take
 a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy
 ladle.  But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you
 were here for dinner."

 Several days later the elderly priest received a letter from the young
 priest which read:  "Dear Father, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with
 your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with your
 housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own
 bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now."



 from the usual sources over the Internet (Marty) 5/06/97

 Subject: Cinderelli! Cinderelli!
 
 Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her.
 As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and
 promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball,
 but only on two conditions.

 "First, you must wear a diaphragm."

 Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"

 "You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a
 pumpkin."

 Cinderella agrees to be home by 2. The appointed hour comes and goes, and
 Cinderella doesn't show up.  Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up,
 looking love-struck and *very* satisfied.

 "Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was
 supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"

 "I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."

 "I know of no prince with that kind of power! What was his name?"

 "I can't remember, exactly ... Peter Peter, something or other...."



 from the usual sources over the Internet (Rez) 4/23/97

 ..........................
 . Fly the Friendly Skies .
 ..........................
 
 An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being
 smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger
 who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
 
 During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United
 flight was canceled.
 
 A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.
 Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk.  He slapped his
 ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it
 has to be FIRST CLASS."
 
 The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir.  I'll be happy to try to help you, but
 I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work
 something out."
 
 The passenger was unimpressed.  He asked loudly, so that the passengers
 behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"
 
 Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address
 microphone.
 
 "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout
 the terminal.  "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO
 HE IS.  If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."
 
 With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at
 the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "(Expletive) you."
 
 Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to
 stand in line for that, too."
 
 The man retreated as the people in the terminal applauded loudly. Although
 the flight was canceled and people were late, they were no longer angry at
 United.



 from the usual sources over the Internet (Marty) 4/13/97

 Subject: Fwd: FW: high tech funny

 A guy walks into a bar and sits down.  He starts dialing numbers...
 like a telephone...on his hand, then talks into his hand.  The
 bartender walks over  and tells him that this is a very tough
 neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here.

 The guy says, "You don't understand.  I'm very high-tech.  I had a
 phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the
 cellular."

 The bartender says, "Prove it."

 The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender.  The
 bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation.

 "That's incredible," say the bartender.  "I would never have believed it."

 "Yeah," says the guy. "I'm really very high-tech.  I keep in touch
 with my wife, my broker, you name it.  By the way, where's the men's
 room?"

 The bartender directs him to the men's room.  The guy goes in and
 doesn't come out for the longest time.  Fearing the worst given the
 tough neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room to check
 on the guy. He sees him spread eagle on the wall... his pants are
 pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt.

 "Oh my god," says the bartender. "Did they rob you? How much did
 they get?"

 The guy turns and says, "No... no... I'm just waiting for a fax!"



 from the usual sources over the Internet (Rez) 4/04/97
 
 There was a butler who worked for a wealthy couple.  The husband was old, and
 the wife young and beautiful.  One night the couple went out to dinner, and
 the butler stayed at their house.
 
 The young wife returned home earlier than the husband, and she called the
 butler, Sam, into her room.  She told him;
 
 "Sam, I want you to take my shoes off."  Sam took her shoes off.
 
 "Sam, now I want you to take my stockings off."  Sam took her stockings off.
 
 "Now, Sam, take off my dress.  My bra, and my panties.  And Sam, if I ever
 catch you wearing my clothes again..."



 from the usual sources over the Internet (Marty) 3/27/97

 Subject: Welfare requests

 The following are excerpted from actual letters received by our
 Welfare Department in applications for support.

 11. I am writing the welfare department to say that my baby was born
     two years old. When do I get my money?

 10. Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for two years and has been
     visited regularly by the clergy.

 09. I cannot get sick pay. I have six children can you tell me why?

 08. This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it.

 07. I am very much annoyed to find out that you have branded my son
     illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he
     was born.

 06. In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a son weighing 10
     lbs. I hope this is satisfactory.

 05. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my 3 children one of
     which is a mistake as you can see.

 04. Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to
     lead an immortal life.

 03. You have changed my little boy to a girl, will this make any
     difference?

 02. I want money as quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with
     the doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things
     don't improve, I will have to send for another doctor.

 01. In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to
     twins in the enclosed envelope



 from the usual sources over the Internet (Marty) 3/27/97

 Subj : How To Keep A Healthy Level of Insanity in the Workplace

 How to keep a healthy level of insanity in the workplace:

 Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you're
 waiting for your document.

 Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for
 lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the
 meeting eat 5 entire raw potatoes.

 Insist that your e-mail address be "zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com"

 Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them to sign a waiver.

 Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries
 with that.

 Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about
 the direction of one of your company's products. Forward the mail to a
 co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

 Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)

 Name all your pens and insist that meetings can't begin until they're
 all present.

 Come to work in your pajamas.

 Put a picture of your mother on your business card.

 Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always
 wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if
 your boss is a different gender than you are.)

 Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these
 names. "That's a good point Sparky."   "No I'm sorry I'm going to have
 to disagree with you there, Chachi."

 Suggest that beer be put in the soda machine.

 Include a piece of your children's artwork as a cover page for all
 reports that you write. (If you don't have children, draw stick figures
 yourself.)

 Schedule meetings for 4:14 pm.

 Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair
 dancing.

 Agree to organize the company Christmas party. Hold it at McDonald's
 Playland. Charge everyone $15 each.

 Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing.
 For example "If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathroom."

 No matter what anyone asks you, reply "Okay."

 Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."

 Plant a hedge around your cubicle.

 Grow mold in your coffee cup.

 Build models of the Seven Wonders of the World using empty soda cans.

 Put on your headphones on whenever the boss comes into the office. Talk
 in a loud voice. Remove your headphones when he or she leaves.

 When in conversation, no matter where you are in the office, mutter, "I
 think my phone is ringing" and leave. Go get a coffee.

 Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many."

 Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

 Compose all your e-mail in rhyming couplets.

 Install a set of buttons and lights in the arm of your chair. Talk into
 your daytimer.

 "Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since
 you did this.

 Organize a carpool. Go to pick everyone up in a taxi.

 Email nude gifs (graphic image files) of yourself to your coworkers.
 Tell them you got them off the Internet.

 Hang mistletoe over your desk.

 Include a personal note on every email you send. "On a personal note, I'm
 feeling a bit tired and grumpy today."  "On a personal note, I'm pleased
 to announce that I got my highest score ever on Tetris last night."

 Bring in dishes that you tried to cook but didn't turn out quite right
 as special treats for your co-workers.

 While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive".

 Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.

 Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge.
 Try to pass them off as your children.

 For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in
 the fish tank. If no one notices, take out your snorkel and see how many
 you can catch in your mouth.

 Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc... in the
 lunchroom, when people complain that there was none... Just lean back,
 pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."

 Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over
 their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.



 from the usual sources over the Internet (Marty) 3/17/97

 Here's a list of books you might want to check out.
 Dr. Seuss' Lesser-Known Books:

 01. The Cat in the Blender
 02. Are You My Proctologist?
 03. Fox in Detox
 04. Who Shat in the Hat?
 05. Horton Feels a Ho
 06. The Lemon-Fresh Lorax
 07. How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day 8. Your Colon Can Moo---Can You?
 09. Zippy the Rabid Gerbil
 10. One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch
 11. Marvin K. Mooney, Get the Fuck Out!
 12. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
 13. The Bitch Set Me Up
 14. I've Fallen---And I Can't Get Up!
 15. Yentl the Lentil
 16. My Pocket Rocket Needs A Socket
 17. Aunts in My Pants
 18. Hop On Mom
 19. Oh, the Places You'll Scratch and Sniff!
 20. Horton Fakes an Orgasm
 21. The Grinch's Ten Inches



 from the usual sources over the internet (JMG) 3/11/97

 Part of a clergyman's job is visiting elderly parishoners.  Rev. Smith was
 visiting with one of his oldest parishoners, and he was having a hard time
 concentrating on what she was saying.  He kept snacking from the bowl of
 peanuts by the chair.
 
 After a while, he saw that he had eaten the entire bowl of peanuts all by
 himself.  Stricken with remorse, he said, "I'm so sorry, I should have
 shared them with you."
 
 The old lady said, "That's okay.  Ever since I lost my teeth, all I can do
 is suck the chocolate off of them."



 from the usual sources over the internet (JMG) 3/11/97

 A dog named Rover applied for a secretarial job.
 
 First he had to prove he could type.  He got behind the typewriter and
 typed 80 words a minutes.  That was very good.
 
 Then he had to show he knew how to use a computer.  He got behind the
 computer and wrote some great programs, really impressing the boss.
 
 Finally, the boss said, "Well, Rover, you have to be bi-lingual."
 
 The dog said, "Meow."



 from the usual sources over the internet (JMG) 3/11/97

 A man was driving down the road when he spotted a penguin, lost and
 wandering in the traffic.  He rescued the penguin and put it in the car
 beside him.
 
 A policeman pulled him over. "What are you doing with a penguin in your
 car?"  The man said, "I rescued him from the traffic."  The policeman
 said, "Well, take him to the zoo!"  The man drove off.
 
 The next day, the policeman saw the man driving on the same street, with
 the penguin still in the car with him.  He pulled the man over.
 
 "I thought I told you to take that penguin to the zoo!" he said.
 
 "I did," said the man.  "Today, we're going to the beach."



 from the usual sources over the Internet (Marty) 3/05/97

 Subject: Fwd: HUMOR "Anguished English"
 
 Here are a few genuine news bloopers gleaned from American newspapers.
 These were taken from an article by Richard Lederer, author of
 "Anguished English".

         * On behalf of Barbara Rutledge and her family, our sincere
           thanks go out to those sending flowers, cards and
           contributing to the death of her husband.

         * The airplane was only a few feet from the ground when it
           crashed, witnesses said.

         * With the exception of victimless crimes (which need not
           concern us here), every single crime committed in this
           nation of ours involves a victim.

         * A purple lady's bicycle was missing from Serendipity Lane
           recently.

         * Chairman Billings asked Board members to muster support
           from parent-teacher groups to support the governor's task
           force on driving while intoxicated.

         * He hasn't even had his day in court yet, but Simon Wynne
           has been kicked off the ESU basketball team after being
           arrested and accused of driving a parked car while
           intoxicated.

         * Montreal police don't hesitate to use whatever laws,
           regulations or persuasion they feel they need to control
           morality in the city and prevent it from getting a foothold.

         * A college friendship that began a year ago ended in
           matrimony yesterday.



 from the usual sources over the Internet (Rez) 3/05/97

 Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations.  It
 shouldn't be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into  trouble
 because of language and cultural differences. For example...
 
 Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an
 American add campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."
 
 The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la.
 Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands
 of signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole"
 or  "female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect.  Coke
 then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic
 equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which can be loosely translated as
 "happiness  in the mouth."

 In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan  "Come alive with the
 Pepsi  Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back
 from the  dead."

 Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan  "finger-lickin'
 good"  came out as "eat your fingers off."

 The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem -Feeling Free," got
 translated in the Japanese market into "When smoking Salem, you feel
 so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty."

 When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it
 was  apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go."  After the
 company  figured out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the
 car in its  Spanish markets to the "Caribe".

 Ford had a similar problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped. The
 company  found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang for "tiny male
 genitals". Ford  pried all the nameplates off and substituted Corcel,
 which means horse.

 When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were
 supposed to  say "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you."
 However, the  company's mistakenly thought the spanish word
 "embarazar" meant embarrass.  Instead the ads said that "It wont leak
 in your pocket and make you pregnant."

 An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the spanish
 market  which promoted the Pope's visit.  Instead of the desired "I
 Saw the Pope"  in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed "I Saw the Potato."

 Chicken-man Frank Perdue's slogan, "It takes a tough man to make a
 tender chicken," got terribly mangled in another Spanish translation.
 A photo of Perdue with one of his birds appeared on billboards all
 over Mexico with a caption that explained "It takes a hard man to make
 a chicken aroused."

 Hunt-Wesson introduced its Big John products in French Canada as
 Gros Jos  before finding out that the phrase, in slang, means "big
 breasts." In this  case, however, the name problem did not have a
 noticeable effect on sales.

 Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a
 notorious porno mag.

 In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name
 into  Schweppes Toilet Water.

 Japan's second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it entered
 English-speaking markets and began receiving requests for unusual sex
 tours.  Upon finding out why, the owners of Kinki Nippon Tourist
 Company  changed its name.



 from the usual sources over the Internet (Rez) 3/04/97
 
 From: Cosmic Spider (cosmics@total.net)
 Subject: Earthlings!  This is not for you!
 
 Are you an ALIEN from another world?
 
 Then the EARTH'S ALIEN REGISTRATION OFFICE wants you!
 
 You will be pleased to know that you are not alone, so register
 yourself with the Earth's Alien Emigration Office ASAP as you are
 required by the laws stipulated in the INTERSTELLAR AGREEMENT
 (ALF-8080-ET)
 
 Tell us what you are, where you are from, why you are here, and what
 you think of Earthlings. Earth wants to know! If for some reason you are
 stranded and unable to get back home, please let us know, and if a space
 ship ever lands in the area we will try and get you a seat.
 
 The form found at the office are for EXTRA TERRESTRIALS ONLY,
 Earthlings will not be registered.
 
 The Forms can be filled out at:
 
 http://www.total.net:8080/~cosmics/
 
 PLEASE DO NOT REPLY TO THIS MESSAGE, if for some reason you need to
 reach us for questions and directions or complaints, you can do so at:
 Cosmic@Earthling.net
 
 
         See ya Around the Cosmos
                           Cosmic Spider
                           Cosmic@Earthling.net
 http://www.total.net:8080/~cosmics/



 from the usual sources over the Internet (Marty) 2/28/97

              Grant me the serenity
             to accept the things I
                  cannot change.
             The courage to change the
              things I cannot accept,
              and the wisdom to hide
             the bodies of those people
               I had to kill today
                     because
               they pissed me off
                    and also,
            help me to be careful of
            the toes I step on today,
            as they may be connected
              to the ass that I may
                  have to kiss
                    tomorrow.



 from the usual sources over the Internet (Rez) 2/27/97

          "Signs You've Seen the 'Star Wars' Movies Too Many Times "

 As presented on the 02/21/97 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

 10. Your poodles are named "C," "3," "P" and "O"
  9. You won't sleep with your wife unless she says, "Help me, Obi Wan, you're
     my only hope"
  8. You spent $10,000 trying to Rogaine yourself into Chewbacca
  7. You're continually stunned when the President makes major decisions
     without consulting Mark Hamill
  6. Your favorite pickup line: "Would you like to handle my light saber?"
  5. You keep referring to your lawn mower as "that crazy droid"
  4. You spend most of your days trying to use "the Force" to open a can of
     pears
  3. You once saw an eggplant that looked kind of like Darth Vader and almost
     had a heart attack
  2. Your sex life is strictly "Han Solo," if you know what I mean
  1. You like Yoda so much, you voted for Ross Perot



 from the usual sources over the Internet (Marty) 2/21/97
 (routine originally performed by Harry Morgan ?)

 I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my sister
 to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else...

 I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task.  I withdrew the cork
 from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the
 exception of one glass, which I drank.  I then withdrew the cork from the
 second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass,
 which I drank.  I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured
 the whiskey down the sink which I drank.  I pulled the cork from the fourth
 bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank.
 I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it,
 and threw the rest down the glass.  I pulled the sink out of the next glass
 and poured the cork down the bottle.  Then I corked the sink with the glass,
 bottled the drink and drank the pour.  When I had everything emptied, I
 steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and
 sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I
 counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I
 drank.  I'm not under tha affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am.  I'm
 not half as thunk as you might drink.  I fool so feelish I don't know who is
 me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get



 from the usual sources over the Internet (Marty) 2/19/97

                         Adopt A Needy Pilot

   Even though Clinton has averted the strike for a while but there is
   still time for us to show the world just how can we help them.
                         ---- ---- ---- ----
   It's just not right.  Thousands of pilots in our very own country are
   living at or just below the six figure salary line.  And if that wasn't
   bad  enough, many of them may  go several weeks or months without a
   paycheck if they are forced by American Airlines management to strike.

   But now you can help.  For about three hundred dollars a day ~ that's
   less than the price of a 25" television set ~ you can help keep a pilot
   economically viable during their time of need.

   Three hundred dollars a day may not seem like a lot of money to you,
   but to a pilot, it could mean the difference between a vacation fishing
   in Florida or a Mediterranean cruise.

   For you, three hundred dollars is nothing more than half a month's rent
   or mortgage payment.  But to a pilot, three hundred dollars a day will
   almost replace his or her salary.

   Three hundred dollars a day will enable a pilot to upgrade his or her
   home  computer, buy that new 100" television set, trade in the 6 month
   old Lexus for a Ferrari, or enjoy a dinner (with champagne) at The
   Mansion.

   "HOW WILL I KNOW I"M HELPING?"

   Each month, you will receive a complete  financial report on the crew
   member you sponsor.  Detailed information about his or her stocks,
   bonds,  401K and real-estate holdings will be mailed to your home.  You
   will be able to watch your pilot's net worth grow.  You'll also get
   information on how they chose to invest their 1.2 million dollar
   lump sum they get upon their retirement.

   "HOW WILL THEY KNOW I'M HELPING?"

   Your pilot will be told that he or she has a SPECIAL FRIEND that just
   wants to help. Although the pilot won't know your name, he or
   she will be able to make collect calls to your home via a special
   operator in case they need more funds.
          --------------------( cut here )-------------------------
   I want to help!!  In the event of a strike by the APA, I would like to
   sponsor the crew member listed below.  I would like to sponsor (circle
   your selection/s):

   ___CAPTAIN                        ___F-100 CREW MEMBER
   ___AN ENTIRE FLIGHT CREW          ___A300 CREW MEMBER
   ___FIRST OFFICER                  ___SUPER-80 CREW MEMBER
   ___NAVIGATOR                      ___727 CREW MEMBER
   ___767 CREW MEMBER                ___MD-11 CREW MEMBER

   ___Please apply my donation to the crew member most in need.

   Please charge the account listed below $326.25 per day (or  $350.29 for
   MD-11 crew members) for the duration of the strike.  Please send  me a
   picture of the crew member I have sponsored, along with a set of "wings"
   and my very own "new" red S.C.O.P.E. badge (while supplies last)

   <> Mastercard   <> Visa   <> American Express    <> Diner's Club   <>
   AAsset Card   <> Discover Card
   Your name: ---------------------------    Telephone Number: --------
   Account Number:_______________________   Expiration  Date: ____
   Signature:______________________________________

          Send Completed Forms to the APA. Or, Enroll By Phone:
   (900)555-3188 (Children under 18 must seek their parents approval)

   Note: Sponsors agree not to contact the crew member sponsored or their
   families in person or by other means including, but not limited to,phone
   calls, letters, email, or third parties.  Contributions made are not tax
   deductible.  In the event of no strike action taken, sponsors agree to a
   one time administration charge of $500.00 to cover administration costs
   of this program.



 from the usual sources over the Internet (Rez) 2/10/97
 
Wherein it is related how that Polygon of Womanly Virtue, young Polly Nomial
(our heroine) is accosted by that Notorious Villian Curly PI, and factored (oh
horrors!).
 
Once upon a time (1/T) Pretty Polly Nomial was strolling across a field of
vectors when she came to the boundary of a singularly large matrix.  Now Polly
was convergent and her mother had made it an absolute condition that she never
enter such an array without her brackets on.  Polly, however, who had changed
her variables that morning and was feeling particularly badly behaved, ignored
this condition on the basis that it was insufficient, and made her way amongst
the complex elements.  Rows and columns closed in from all sides.  Tangents
approached her surface.  She became tensor and tensor. Quite suddenly, two
branches of a hyperbola touched her at a single point. She oscillated
violently, lost all sense of directrix, and went completely divergent. As she
reached a turning point, she tripped over a square root that was protruding
from the erf and plunged headlong down a steep gradient.  When she rounded off
once more, she found herself inverted, apparently alone, in a non-euclidean
space.
 
She was being watched, however.  That smooth operator, Curly Pi, was lurking
innerproduct.  As his eyes devoured her curvilinear coordinates, a singular
expression crossed his face.  He wondered, was she still convergent? He
decided to integrate improperly at once.
 
Hearing a common fraction behind her, Polly rotated and saw Curly Pi
approaching with his power series extrapolated.  She could see at once by his
degenerate conic and dissipative terms that he was bent on no good.
 
"Arcsinh!" she gasped.
 
"Ho, Ho," he said.  "What a symmetric little asymptote you have.  I can see
your angles have lots of secs."
 
"Oh, Sir," she protested, "keep away from me.  I haven't got my brackets on."
 
"Calm yourself, my dear," said our suave operator.  "Your fears are purely
imaginary."
 
"i, i," she thought.  "Perhaps he's not normal, but homologous."
 
"What order are you?" the brute demanded.
 
"Seventeen," replied Polly.
 
Curly leered, "I suppose you've never been operated on."
 
"Of course not," Polly replied quite properly, "I'm absolutely convergent!"
 
"Come, come," said Curly.  "Let's off to a decimal place I know and I'll take
you to the limit."
 
"Never!" gasped Polly.
 
"Abscissa!!!" he swore, using the vilest oath he knew.  His patience was gone.
Coshing her over the coefficient with a natural log until she was powerless,
Curly removed her discontinuities.  He stared at her significant places, and
began smoothing out her points of inflection. Poor Polly.  The algoritmic
method was now her only hope.  She felt his hand tending toward her asymptotic
limit. Her convergence would soon be gone forever.
 
There was no mercy, for Curly was a heavyside operator.  Curly's radius
squared itself; Polly's locii quivered.  He integrated her by parts.  He
integrated her by fractions.  After he cofactored, he performed Runge-Cutta on
her.  The complex beast even went all the way around and did a contour
integration.  Curly went on operating until he had satisfied her hypothesis.
Then, he exponentiated and became completely orthogonal.
 
When Polly got home that night, her mother noticed that she was no longer
piecewise continuous, but had been truncated in several places.  But, it was
too late to differentiate now. As the months went by, Polly's denominator
increased monotonically.  Finally, she went to L'Hopital and generated a small
but pathological function which left surds all over the place and drove Polly
to deviation.
 
The moral of the sad story is this:
 
"If you want to keep your expressions convergent, never allow them a single
degree of freedom."



 from the usual sources over the Internet (Rez) 2/04/97

 "Surprises in the New Version of Star Wars"

 10. Part of Chewbacca now played by a shirtless Ed Asner
 09. Commander of the Death Star: Dr. Kevorkian
 08. Land speeders replaced with bitchin' pink Miatas
 07. Comic relief provided by Cheech Marin as Luke Skywalker's wacky
     Mexican caddy
 06. Darth Vader's voice goes up three octaves after Dennis Rodman kicks him
     in the groin
 05. Instead of "May the force be with you," Obi-Wan Kenobi says,
     "Show me the money!"
 04. Cameo appearance by Bob Dole as Yoda's great-great-grandfather
 03. Luke and Darth Vader work together to beat the crap out of a bunch of
     Trekkies
 02. New scene in which Jabba the Hut is hugged by a sobbing Richard Simmons
 01. R2D2? Gay!



 from the usual sources over the Internet (Rez) 2/04/97

               IF I EVER BECOME AN EVIL OVERLORD

 01. My legions of terror will have helmets with clear Plexiglas
     visors, not face concealing ones.
 02. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
 03. My noble half-brother, whose throne I usurped, will be killed,
     not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
 04. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
 05. The artifact, which is the source of my power, will not be kept
     on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by
     the Dragons of Eternity.  It will be in my safe-deposit box.
 06. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
 07. When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks,
     "Or are you afraid without your armies to back you up?" my reply
     will be, "No." and shoot him.
 08. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you
     kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?"
     I'll say, "No." and shoot him.
 09. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately
     in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks time
     during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
 10. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely
     necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red
     button labeled "Danger: Do Not Push."
 11. I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who
     is destined to overthrow me--I'll do it myself.
 12. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum--a small
     hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
 13. I will be secure in my superiority.  Therefore, I will feel no
     need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or
     leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
 14. I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident:
     I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe it.
 15. I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word
     "mercy"; I simply choose not to show them any.
 16. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child.  Any
     flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before
     implementation.
 17. All slain enemies will be cremated, not left for dead at the
     bottom of the cliff.  The announcement of their deaths, as
     well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until
     the aforementioned disposal.
 18. My undercover agents will not have any tattoos identifying them
     as members of my organization, nor will they be required to
     wear military boots or adhere to any other dress code.
 19. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or
     any other form of last request.
 20. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown.  If I find that
     such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when
     the computer reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into
     operation.
 21. I will design all doomsday machines myself.  If I must hire a mad
     scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted
     to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's caused.
 22. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's
     just one thing I want to know."
 23. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to
     their advice.



 from the unusual sources from somewhere (don't remember) 9/06/93

                        125 Blonde Jokes
 
 Two blondes were walking along and came upon some tracks.  One blonde
 said, "Those look like deer tracks", and the other said, "No, they look
 more like moose tracks".  They were still arguing when the train hit
 them.
 
 What's the worst blonde joke of all time?  Dan Quayle.
 
 We have a Blonde where I work, who is so dumb she thinks Manual
 Labor is a Mexican.

 Did you hear about the blond who was two hours late getting home
 because the escalator got stuck?

 Did you hear about the blonde who thought a sanitary belt was a
 drink from a clean glass?
 
 Did you hear about the blonde who only smelled good on the right
 side?  She didn't know where to buy left guard.
 
 Did you hear about the blonde housewife who was mad at her husband
 because he was out shooting craps and she didn't know how to cook
 them.
 
 Did you hear about the pregnant blonde who went to the grocery
 store because she heard they had free delivery.
 
 Q: Why do Blondes wear padded shoulders?
 A: So they don't get a concussion while bobbing their from head side to
    side as they are saying "I don't know?" whenever you ask them a
    question.
 
 Q: Why should you keep a blonde on the job 7 days a week?
 A: So you don't have to retrain them every Monday.
 
 Q: What do you call a blonde with 1/2 a brain?
 A: Gifted.
 
 Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
 A: I hope it's mine!!!!
 
 Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been using your lawn mower?
 A: The green "Welcome" mat is ripped all to shreds.

 Q: Why did the blonde climb the glass wall?
 A: To see what's on the other side.
 
 Q: What do you call 2 blondes in a freezer?
 A: Frosted flakes.
 
 Q: How do blondes commit suicide?
 A: They put spikes on their shoulder pads.

 Q: What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?
 A: Both are empty from the neck up.
 
 Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
 A: Give her a pack of M&M's and tell her to put them in alphabetical order.
 
 Q: What do you call 22 blondes standing in a row?
 A: Wind tunnel.
 
 Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?
 A: She drowns it.
 
 Q: What's similar about UFO's and a smart blonde?
 A: You keep hearing about them, but never see one...
 
 Q: If a blonde and a brunette fell out of an airplane, who would land first?
 A: The brunette. The blonde would have to stop and ask for directions.
 
 Q: Why don't blondes like pickles?
 A: They keep getting their head stuck in the jar...
 
 Q: What is a blondes' mating call?
 A: Oh, I'm soooooo drunk!
 
 Q: What is a brunettes mating call?
 A: Have all the blonde's gone home?
 
 Q: What do you call a brunette between 2 blondes?
 A: An Interpreter.
 
 Q: What do you call a blonde who has dyed her hair black?
 A: Artificial intelligence.
 
 Q: How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?
 A: 100 - 1 to stir and 99 to peel the M&Ms.
 
 Q: How can you tell when a blonde has used your computer?
 A: Whiteout all over the screen.
 
 Q: How can you tell if she has been back to the computer?
 A: Writing on the whiteout.
 
 Q: What's similar about Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, and Smart Blondes?
 A: They are all make-believe.
 
 Q: Why do blondes write TGIF on their shoes?
 A: Toes Go In First
 
 Q: Why do blondes like the GST?
 A: It's the only thing they can spell.
 
 Q: How do you change a blondes mind?
 A: Blow in her ear.
 
 Q: What's the difference between a blonde and an airplane?
 A: The Black Box ALWAYS tells the truth.
 
 Q: How does a blonde turn on the light in the morning?
 A: Opens the car door.
 
 Q: Why did 18 blondes go to the R-rated movie?
 A: Because they heard that under 17 was not admitted.
 
 Q: Why did the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
 A: She kept throwing out the W's!
 
 Q: What do four blondes have in common?
 A: Nothing they can think of.
 
 Q: How do you drown a blonde?
 A: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool....
 
 Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet???
 A: The winner of a Hide and Seek game.....
 
 Q: What do you call a circle of blondes?
 A: A dope ring.......
 
 Q: What goes "VROOOM   SCREECH!   VROOOM   SCREECH!   VROOOM  SCREECH!"
 A: A blonde at a flashing red light!
 
 Q: Why can't blondes use birth control pills?
 A: They keep falling out.
 
 Q: What happened to the Blonde terrorist who tried to blow up a bus?
 A: She burned her lips on the exhaust pipe.
 
 Q: How does a blond hemophiliac cure herself?
 A: With acupuncture!
 
 Q: Why does a blond eat beans on Saturday?
 A: So she can take a bubble bath on Sunday.
 
 Q: What do you have when there are three blondes in a corner?
 A: An Air Pocket
 
 Q: What do you call a blond driving a car?
 A: An Air Bag
 
 Q: What did the blonde say when the job interviewer asked "Please spell
    your name?"
 A: "Y-O-U-R  N-A-M-E."
 
 Q. Why Do You Take A Blonde Shopping With You?
 A. To Be Able To Park In The HandiCapped Zone.
 
 Q. How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb
 A. 100  -- 1 to screw it in and 99 to say I can do that.
 
 Q: What did the blonde say when she opened the box of cheerios?
 A: Oh look, daddy...doughnut seeds
 
 Q: How do you drown a Blonde??
 A: Put a mirror in the bathtub...
 
 Q: How do you get a twinkle in a blondes' eye?
 A: Shine a flashlight in her ear.
 
 Q: How do you get a one armed blonde out of a tree?
 A: Wave.
 
 Q: How did the blonde break her arm raking leaves?
 A: Fell out of the tree.
 
 Q: Why don't blondes like to make Kool-Aid?
 A: They can't fit 2 quarts of water in the little package.
 
 Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the kitchen sink?
 A: Because that's where you wash vegetables.
 
 Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
 A: Pull the pin and throw it back.
 
 Q: What does a Blonde do first thing in the morning?
 A: Gets dressed and goes home.
 
 Q: Why does a blonde have fur on the hem of her dress?
 A: To keep her neck warm.
 
 Q: What did the blonde call her pet Zebra?
 A: Spot.
 
 Q: Why was the blonde delighted when she finished the jigsaw puzzle in
    11 months?
 A: Because the box said 2 to 4 years.
 
 Q: How do you drown a blonde?
 A: Put a scratch and snif at the bottom of the pool.
 
 Q: If Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, a smart blonde and a dumb blonde
    were standing together and someone dropped a $100 bill in front of
    them, who would pick it up?
 A: The dumb blonde....there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the Easter
    Bunny, or a smart blonde.
 
 Q: What is the difference between Big Foot and a smart blonde?
 A: There have been confirmed sightings of Big Foot.
 
 Q: If a Blonde an "X" wife and an attorney fell out of an airplane
    which one would hit the ground first?
 A: Who cares?
 
 Q: What's the difference between a miniature circus and a group of blondes?
 A: The circus is an array of cunning stunts!
 
 Q: Why didn't the Blonde have any ice cubes for her party?
 A: She lost the recipe.
 
 Q: Did you hear about the Blonde who won a gold medal?
 A: She was so proud that she had it bronzed.
 
 Q: Why does a Blonde prefer tilt steering?
 Q: More headroom.
 
 Q: What thoughts do Blondes have after reading these jokes?
 A: None, as usual... and they most likely didn't understand them either.
 
 Q: What does a blonde say first thing in the morning?
 A: Are all you guys on the same team?
 
 Q: What's similar about Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, and Smart Blondes?
 A: They are all make-believe.
 
 Q: Did you hear that the only job for blondes at the candy factory
 A: Proofreading the M&M's?
 
 Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday night?
 A: Tell her a joke on thursday...
 
 Q: How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies???
 A: 3, 2 to make the batter, and 2 to peel the M&Ms.....
    sorry (3, 2 to make the batter and 1 to peel the M&Ms).....
 
 Q: Why can't blondes use birth control pills?
 A: They keep falling out.
 
 Q: How does a blond screw in a lightbulb?
 A: She holds it up to the socket and waits for the world to revolve
    around her.
 
 Q: What do you call a blonde in leather jacket?
 A: A rebel without a clue!
 
 Q: Did you hear about the blonde who lost 85% of her brains?
 A: Her husband died.
 
 Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Friday?
 A: Tell her a joke on Monday.
 
 Q: Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?
 A: They don't know the route.
 
 Q: What can strike a blonde without them even knowing it?
 A: A thought.
 
 Q: What do you call ten blondes in a swimming pool?
 A: An air pocket.
 
 Q: What do you see when you look deep into the eyes of a blonde?
 A: The back of her head.
 
 Q: What is dumber than the 133 Blondes above?
 A: Me for wasting hours editing and typing these silly things.



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